Rant rant rant rant

You know, I wish people weren't so close minded. It gets annoying, and sometimes hurtful. Especially when they don't know what they're talking about. I mean, before you insult people about their beliefs, or lives, learn something about the situation. It would be like me judging people on how they build a car. I can't because I don't know anything about it. I hope that example wasn't too horrible.

Anyways, I've been pretty lazy lately. I haven't really done much, or hung out with anyone except Zach. Not that it is a bad thing, I love being with him. I'm just going to try to spread my time. You know? So I will :) Oh that reminds me, Zach is coming to church with me this week :) It should be fun. I went to his, so now it is his turn to come to mine. I happen to be proud of it.

I have been really off track with my relationship with God. I really want to figure out how to fix it, but I go to church, feel a high, then I leave and feel just as lonely. Sorry that is really depressing. Haha. I know he is there and wants me to talk to him. I barely pray lately. It is sad. I haven't done devos. I don't really talk to God. I feel like I have something I still need to give him but I can't figure out what it is. It is more stressful than it should be.

I was looking at old pictures the other day with Zach. I have changed. Haha. I don't feel like I have but I have! I mean, I've grown up you know? I no longer look like a child. I'm turning into a young woman. Weird right?

Well I'll talk to you guys later. I LOVE YOU<3

61510~

So, tomorrow is a month. Haha. Thing is it has technically been a lot longer… Here’s the story:

We haven’t been “official” for more than a month, but we have had an on and off thing for like.. a year and a half. It was only extremely obvious. But it was definitely worth the struggle to get this far. You know? I’m actually happy with the relationship which as a lot of you know, is a big deal for me. I’m never this trusting.

We are going to Mukilteo tomorrow and going on go-carts. Don’t hate. It will be fun, then again everything we do is. Never a dull moment(:

He is special, this boy. <3

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.

I feel like I have a huge heart. I care so much about my friends and family, whether they think I do or not. I love that I can be trusted and that people can talk to me when they need to. I love how I can keep secrets and give advice to people that can help them. It makes me feel like I’m needed. & Everyone wants to feel needed, right? (:

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.

Way to start on a bad note. Haha.

Alright well, I honestly don't like my physical appearance at all. Haha. I have soo much I want to change about it. Skin, hair, weight, everything. I guess I like having imperfections but I just want to be "pretty". It isn't a media thing either. The media drives me crazy with their 60 pound whore girls. Haha. I want to be better to myself. You know?

On a lighter note;

I'm happy. Finally.
REALLY happy.
<3

Jealousy is a terrible thing.

You know, I wonder if anyone else feels like this because of you. & I can't even be mad, because I don't think you know you're doing it. You just make me feel like I am soo small. Not in size, but you know what I mean. You judge me with your eyes and I see it. I hate it. I wish I could hang out with you like I used to and I wish it would make me happy. But I can't. And the fact I'm unhappy already makes it suck more. I know you have my best interest at heart but do you have to be better at me at EVERYTHING?

Oh and one more thing. You judge me and my boyfriend. Thing is, you don't know our relationship. You can't judge it. Well you can, it is just without any real information. Its lies.

Thing is though, you're one of my greatest friends. But I'm bitter over jealousy, which makes it hard to appreciate it.

30 day challenge.

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like crap.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Pirate.

I'm officially next years choir club treasurer.

I'm very proud to be a part of such a wonderful group of people.

Here are the officers:

Abby Rankin - President
Krista - Vice President
Allison Kennedy (me) - Treasurer
Jed Massengale - Secretary
Chelsea Hawkinson - Historian

I'm so excited to work with these wonderful people. I hope we can improve the choir.
& make you a lot of money (:

Why?

Why do I mess up?
Why do I doubt things?
Why do I get confused so much?
Why do I feel self concious?
Why do I have to feel like I can't do anything right?
Why do I make people feel inferior?
Why do I feel inferior?
Why do I have problems?
I'M HUMAN.

You.

Wow. I've never felt so hurt and afraid of myself. So ashamed. So used. So torn. I just don't know how I was suppose to react. I was speechless.

I wish I didn't see you today. I wish that all of those feelings didn't rush back into my mind. I wish I didn't think you were/are worth it every time I see you. I wish when I saw you, that you would actually speak to me. But those wishes are pointless and won't help anything. I just wish I never met you. I swear.

Even the though of you makes me feel sick. I feel so dirty know what happen between us. The fact I still cry about you isn't okay. I know you don't care. I know you never think about me. I think about you though. All the time. Everyday. It is pitiful. It makes me feel ridiculous because I know they are wasted thoughts. They aren't going to do anything. They won't make me feel better. I know they wont. But I can't do anything to stop them. I have flashbacks of what you used to do to me. Everything that happen. What I let you do. How I let you take advantage of me in every way you could. I was so stupid. I'm so stupid. I don't even care that people know anymore. I will just tell them what you did to me when they throw comments at me.

It is so sad I still feel like this. You ruined my life. You really did. I stopped following God because of you. I stopped eating. Ha. I stopped doing everything. You consumed me. It sucks, just when I am putting things back together you show up. You can't even look at me. It isn't okay. You are disgusting. You aren't a good person. But then again, you're so perfect.

This isn't even your fault. Its mine. I should have known. & you knew I wouldn't give in. You knew I would let you. You knew that I was pretty much worthless. You let me know it to. Everything you did to me. Gah.. I can't even begin to explain.. I don't know. I don't know why I'm blaming you. It isn't your fault.

These thoughts can't be healthy. I just feel so..
disgusting.
used.
hated.
loved.
worthless.
bitter.

If I were any of my friends, I don't know. I wouldn't wanna be me. I hate myself right now, I really do.

Laura Nagel

NEVER BEEN SO GREATFUL FOR A FRIEND IN MY LIFE.
Especially lately.

Why does everything turn out so bad after it was so good?

Man. It seems like I'm always messing things up with people. All the time. It isn't ever just one person at a time. Nope, I like to be abandoned by people in groups. What do I do to get abandoned? Who knows. I sorta wish I did. This who year everyone has just been leaving me. I want to know why. I really do. I hate that I've lost friends and can't control it. I hate that I am on the verge of losing friends right now and don't know how to stop it.

I also hate SOO much that when I lose someone, YOU gain them. You're pretty much better at everything than me. I'm constantly reminded of it. It is making me stray from you. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. Not like I wanna lose you. I just hate that when I am around you I feel like I am less of a person. I really am. You're so good at everything.

Music.
Helping people.
Anything with christianity.
Prettier.
Everyone loves you.
You're even taking my friends.

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad you're fitting in and making friends or whatever. Beconing comfortable with yourself. But why do I have to suck soo much compared to you? It drives me crazy. Why are you so amazing and why am I so useless. You're good at everything I want to be good at. You have everyone I want to have. I saw you were talking to someone I recently lost, someone really important to me, and I starting crying. Not regular crying but bawling. I was just relising how much I suck compared to you.

Hmm.

Gah, lately I have been so uninspired. I love to write, most of you know that. I have nothing to write about. I just can't get anything out. When I write something I just throw it away. It is a disaster.

I'm so stressed. My days go like this:

Zero period, school, rehearsal, homework, sleep, repeat.

Cool. I still need a job. I need my stupid license. I need to make it so I have support through all this. I need to figure myself out. I need to be happy. REAL happy. Just for once in my entire life. I wish there was some magical potion I could drink or something.

I'm pretty much miserable.

Goal.

I want people to look at me and sense a difference.
I want that difference to be God.

Alright.

I refuse to let things get bad again.

This isn't life.

I hate that I complain so much on this thing. But ugh.
Okay.
I'm not happy at all. I'm really not. I pretend I am, that is about it. It sucks because all my friends are complaining to me and inside I'm just screaming and wanting to cry. But I don't like talking to some people about certain things. I really don't. I feel like they just change the subject. Or they make it about them. Or all they do is tell me things I already know. Tell me to pray. Well. I already am, I don't need to hear it anymore. I feel like my life is falling apart, but I can't do anything about it. It kills me. I just want to end it all sometimes, but I know there are people who need me. Everybody is always telling me how they respect me because I can always stay positive or whatever. Sorry to let you down, but I'm not. I cry all the time. Like, everyday. I shouldn't let myself. I shouldn't show that I'm weak. But I just get torn down by my emotions, and by people. I'm so sick of it.

I come home and all that happens is, I get yelled at. For nothing. Its either that or we end up fighting eventually. Like, in the first half hour. My family is falling apart. I'm only a kid. I can't do anything, & I can't talk to anyone. No one understands. I get really sad because people talk about how close their family is and I can't say that. I can't think of a really good memory we have had recently. It doesn't feel like a family. I dread coming home everyday. I shouldn't feel like that. I shouldn't feel judged when I get home. I should be able to think I'm at "home". I shouldn't be afraid to go there. But, I am. I hate it. So much.

I miss having people I could talk to. People who would actually make me feel better. I love the friends I have now, but sometimes I miss when I could talk to some of my friends and they would just cheer me up. One specifically, where I could go to him and tell him whats wrong without feeling like a burden, or like I was going to annoy him. Like he didn't want to talk to me and he would just complain to other people about how annoying I was or whatever. I miss not feeling hated when I talked to you. I miss you knowing everything so I could just vent to you, and update you and I would feel better. I just miss having you there. I miss how close we were but now I lost you. I'm slowly losing everyone else too.

I don't want to have to feel like this anymore. I don't want to feel like my life is worthless. I want to be able to be truly happy. But I can only think of the negatives. I don't have many positives. I am ruining my life. But it is in a way I can't control. I just don't want to deal with any of this anymore. I want to leave. I want to move out of this house. This town, I want to forget the life I am having right now. I want better things for myself. I don't want to feel depressed and useless. I don't want to feel angry. I don't want to feel unwanted. I don't want this life.

The end of a well enjoyed era.

It is funny how I was just talking about how devestated I would be to lose you, two nights ago.

Ugh. You know what sucks? We were best friends for 9 years and now, we aren't. I don't even know how it happened. It kills me. It really, really kills me. We never talk though. Ever. You don't try. I feel like I'm the last thing on your mind.

You only focus on your girlfriend. You changed for her. You shouldn't have. She changed you into somebody that some people find rude,and they don't want to talk to you. I don't know why you changed into who you are. I really don't. No one likes it, but her.

This kills me, it really does. I'm not in the mood to talk to anyone. At all. Honestly.

Things I need to do over break:

1. Memorise Act 1 of Into the Woods
2. Put in some job applications.
3. Get my license?!
4. Finish some projects for school.
5. Pack for tour.
6. Go on tour.
7. Hang out with my best friends.
8. Mend friendships.
9. Discover some new music.
10. Start working out again.
11. Find new hairstyles.

&Mooooooore.

I really miss this girl. She got me through SO much and it is hard her not being here.
I was sort of just thinking about her. I read a birthday card she gave me, and some Christmas cards. I felt lame. But I just miss having her to hang out with all of the time. I remember last spring break I spent pretty much every moment with her. I never really got tired of hanging out with her. We would never really do the same thing. We would have picnics, go to movies, go to dinner, go to the beach, take a lot of pictures. It was awesome. I felt like all of my issues were gone. I need that. I wish she was coming back for this break. :( But its okay <3

Sorry. Had to get that out.

Gah

BE POSITIVE.
BE POSITIVE.
BE POSITIVE.
BE POSITIVE.

Moving on.

I had a long talk with Jessica Andrukat today. I love that girl. I feel like I can just ramble abot my life & she wont judge me. I love it. But anyways.. haha.

I talking to her about my boy issues.(Refer to the blog titled "Wow =/") We were talking about all of it. It cleared things in my head. I just need to think about God, focus on him before I focus on the boy.

I don't deserve what he was doing. I deserve soo much better. No matter how sad that makes me. No matter how much I wish things would have worked. I still need to talk to him though. Badly. I can't let all of this be on my chest. You know? I have to distance myself so I can get rid of these emotions.

I'm on my way to being happy. I will get there. I know I will. Through God.

My, oh my. I love me some Jesus.

<3

Realization

Alright. What a weekend. I'm starting to realize some things. I have to focus on God first.
I've been letting things control my emotions that shouldn't. I have problems, but who doesn't? I mean, I've been sitting and complaining. I NEED TO ACT.

Gah, it makes me mad at myself little bit. I really do have a lot to be thankful for. I need to learn how to appreciate it. Like, now.

I love youth group. Tonight during pre-service prayer I was thinking. &Then someone got up on stage and said something and it hit me. I need to have open hands for God. Open heart for God. I need to be clay in his hands. I need to give my all to God. I need to surround myself with people who will help me do that.

I realize I can be annoying sometimes. I realize sometimes I care too much. But, if you don't like that... I'm sorry. I'm not going to stop caring about people. You know? Last night was a long night. This whole weekend was a slap in the face.

But it was a good one.

Burden.

This is making me nauseous.
I should have seen it coming though.
I'm ridiculous.

Wow =/

^That song^

Ugh. Wow, I don't know. I feel so ridiculous. I thought you were worth my time. I hate that you weren't. I lost too many tears over you. Way too many. Like, I can't even think straight right now. Last night, completely closed the deal. It broke me more than it should have. It happens with you all the time. I am always making the effort. But I can't anymore. I'm out of energy. I can't look at you without feeling heavy. I really can't. Which makes me feel worse.

"I'm falling to pieces"

I just don't know anymore...

I have a problem. It is my own problem. Actually, my problem is that I have problems. &I can only talk to one person about those problems. There used to be other people but now I annoy them, and we are growing apart. It makes me feel sort of empty. Really empty. It is so ridiculous.

Is it possible to care about someone too much? Obviously. I was once able to just go to him, tell him everything that was on my mind, and it would be fine. I wouldn't feel like I was bugging him or like I was an inconvenience. Or like our friendship wasn't important. I always feel like just talking to him is a drag now. It breaks my heart, a lot. I don't know. It is pitiful. I talked to him.. it fixed it for one night. But I still couldn't vent, which is what I needed. Oh well. I just feel so worthless.

I'm just been so stressed lately. Testing, rehearsal, homework, family, friends... etc. I don't know. I am probably overreacting but I am losing sleep over it. I've shown tears because of it. I've lost friends from holding back. I don't know. I'm just ridiculous. Sooooo ridiculous. I wish I could be who I want to be.

I'm pretty sure I've been crying at least 5 times a week, minimum. I hate it. I don't cry. I hate being week. I hate how I can't breath when I cry. I hate when people see me cry. I don't know. I hate myself when I cry. It is "his" fault. A different he than before. Gah. Sorry this is a mess.

I love everyone. I'm just so easily angered. I feel bad. I feel like because I'm hurt, I'm hurting others. It kills me. But even when I try to change it.. I can't. I am always on edge and I hate that feeling. I've been told to pray. Trust me, I have.

Hmm. Oh well. I'll keep on going I suppose.

Self Image?

My biggest issue.

I have so much I hate about myself. It is sad. I always help others with how they see themself. Thing is, I still don't see anything beautiful about myself. At all. Ever. I only focus on my image.

My weight.
Me face.
My hair.

Pretty much everything else. I hate it. So much. I plan on changing it all. I haven't figured out how yet though.

I don't want to see myself and think I am disgusting anymore. I will be so much happier when I am pretty. I know it.

Definintly.

Where do I go?

So I was sitting in my room playing random worship songs. I got to thinking...

I miss doing worship. I like being a leader. I started thinking about life. Everything I have been through, I could help so many people...

How do I do that though?

I guess I just pray about it but I haven't had any opportunities. I feel like I would be a really good leader, you know? Like, I could help so many people. Everything I did in my past, everything I have experienced, all of my knowledge could really affect some people. I want to show people who Jesus is. How?! I don't just mean as a teen. I mean I really want to lead people. I wish I knew how. I mean, these thoughts wouldn't come to me for no reason right? Hmm.

Where do I go next?

Laura Nagel.

That girl. She is so inspiring. She is a huge part of my faith. She helped me become this strong. I don't even know how to put my love and gratefullness for her in words. She is one of my best friends. I can trust her with anything. It is so weird. I usually can't trust anyone. She is awesome. Justsayin.

Unwelcomed feelings.

I went to my old youth group tonight because I was asked to help lead worship, they were short handed. I agreed. Now, let me tell you this:
This youth group used to be huge, bigger than LYC. I was a leader, dedicated, a worship leader, I loved it. My youth pastor was amazing. He ended up having to leave though, which was unfortunate.

Anyways, I went tonight. It was heartbreaking. When I walked into that room I felt like the Spirit was just being sucked out of me. I couldn't stand it. I just stayed quiet. Leading worship I couldn't get myself to get into it at all. I felt like the wrong 'presence' was in that room with the youth group. Like a vacuum was trying to suck my faith out of me.

Me not getting into worship is a big deal. Worship is my favorite thing to do. Trust me on that. I couldn't think of anything but negative thoughts. I just kept thinking how I wasn't worth it, how I was stupid, how bad it sounded. Things like that. Things that are so irrelevant to what was happening. I know that none of those things matter to God. I know the point of worship isn't to sound good. So why was I thinking all this?

During the small group no one was focused. They were talking, yelling, laughing. NOT giving their full attention to God. So wrong. I kept thinking, "Why do they even come to youth group if this is what they come for?" Youth group is a place to celebrate God. That is what that youth group was once about. Now I see it is just breaks my heart.

I tried for so long to mend that youth group and make it strong again. I really did. I have a huge heart for that church. But now I walk on that property I feel heavy, depressed, and like I shouldn't be there. Like there isn't a point. I hate that. I love LYC, I'm so glad I have that now. I look forward to it every week. I wouldn't choose any church over it even if my old church was back to normal. But, If you know me... you know have a big heart. I just with they would all see the real picture. I just know I can't go there anymore. It pains me.

Wow.

I feel pretty terrible right now. I don't belong anywhere anymore. I swear. Ugh.
I just want to be 18 so I can leave. When I leave I'm not coming back. I'll be gone for good.
I wish there was a way for me to leave now. RIGHT now. I am not happy here.
I always fake a smile and I am soo done with that. It is so unbelievable how much worse it makes me feel.

I'll be strong for everyone else.

Youth Group

Holy Cow. I've never felt more comfortable. This group of young people are so real. It is almost hard to comprehend. I love them so much. I love watching us all grow together in Christ. I love that I am growing in Christ.

I ddn't realize how awesome Snowed In was until tonight when I talked. Everything I have been holding onto was just lifted off my shoulders and I know God forgives me. I know that no matter how much I mess up, God is there telling me I can do it. No matter what. I love that people at Youth Group wont jusdge me for my past. Having a relationship with God is just the most beautiful thing.

Alright- I'm going to make a promise right now. You guys have to hold me to it. I will stay positive, and let God's light shine through me everyday. I will let him work through me. My life will revolve around him. HOLD ME TO IT GUYS. Don't let me break this promise, it isn't one I can break.

I am sooo greatful for all of you <3

MAN, I'm gonna cry ! Haha !

Blogging.

I'm not great at it.
But I will make this as entertaining as possible.

This will get deep, that is the reason I made this. <3