This isn't life.

I hate that I complain so much on this thing. But ugh.
Okay.
I'm not happy at all. I'm really not. I pretend I am, that is about it. It sucks because all my friends are complaining to me and inside I'm just screaming and wanting to cry. But I don't like talking to some people about certain things. I really don't. I feel like they just change the subject. Or they make it about them. Or all they do is tell me things I already know. Tell me to pray. Well. I already am, I don't need to hear it anymore. I feel like my life is falling apart, but I can't do anything about it. It kills me. I just want to end it all sometimes, but I know there are people who need me. Everybody is always telling me how they respect me because I can always stay positive or whatever. Sorry to let you down, but I'm not. I cry all the time. Like, everyday. I shouldn't let myself. I shouldn't show that I'm weak. But I just get torn down by my emotions, and by people. I'm so sick of it.

I come home and all that happens is, I get yelled at. For nothing. Its either that or we end up fighting eventually. Like, in the first half hour. My family is falling apart. I'm only a kid. I can't do anything, & I can't talk to anyone. No one understands. I get really sad because people talk about how close their family is and I can't say that. I can't think of a really good memory we have had recently. It doesn't feel like a family. I dread coming home everyday. I shouldn't feel like that. I shouldn't feel judged when I get home. I should be able to think I'm at "home". I shouldn't be afraid to go there. But, I am. I hate it. So much.

I miss having people I could talk to. People who would actually make me feel better. I love the friends I have now, but sometimes I miss when I could talk to some of my friends and they would just cheer me up. One specifically, where I could go to him and tell him whats wrong without feeling like a burden, or like I was going to annoy him. Like he didn't want to talk to me and he would just complain to other people about how annoying I was or whatever. I miss not feeling hated when I talked to you. I miss you knowing everything so I could just vent to you, and update you and I would feel better. I just miss having you there. I miss how close we were but now I lost you. I'm slowly losing everyone else too.

I don't want to have to feel like this anymore. I don't want to feel like my life is worthless. I want to be able to be truly happy. But I can only think of the negatives. I don't have many positives. I am ruining my life. But it is in a way I can't control. I just don't want to deal with any of this anymore. I want to leave. I want to move out of this house. This town, I want to forget the life I am having right now. I want better things for myself. I don't want to feel depressed and useless. I don't want to feel angry. I don't want to feel unwanted. I don't want this life.