Unwelcomed feelings.

I went to my old youth group tonight because I was asked to help lead worship, they were short handed. I agreed. Now, let me tell you this:
This youth group used to be huge, bigger than LYC. I was a leader, dedicated, a worship leader, I loved it. My youth pastor was amazing. He ended up having to leave though, which was unfortunate.

Anyways, I went tonight. It was heartbreaking. When I walked into that room I felt like the Spirit was just being sucked out of me. I couldn't stand it. I just stayed quiet. Leading worship I couldn't get myself to get into it at all. I felt like the wrong 'presence' was in that room with the youth group. Like a vacuum was trying to suck my faith out of me.

Me not getting into worship is a big deal. Worship is my favorite thing to do. Trust me on that. I couldn't think of anything but negative thoughts. I just kept thinking how I wasn't worth it, how I was stupid, how bad it sounded. Things like that. Things that are so irrelevant to what was happening. I know that none of those things matter to God. I know the point of worship isn't to sound good. So why was I thinking all this?

During the small group no one was focused. They were talking, yelling, laughing. NOT giving their full attention to God. So wrong. I kept thinking, "Why do they even come to youth group if this is what they come for?" Youth group is a place to celebrate God. That is what that youth group was once about. Now I see it is just breaks my heart.

I tried for so long to mend that youth group and make it strong again. I really did. I have a huge heart for that church. But now I walk on that property I feel heavy, depressed, and like I shouldn't be there. Like there isn't a point. I hate that. I love LYC, I'm so glad I have that now. I look forward to it every week. I wouldn't choose any church over it even if my old church was back to normal. But, If you know me... you know have a big heart. I just with they would all see the real picture. I just know I can't go there anymore. It pains me.