The end of a well enjoyed era.

It is funny how I was just talking about how devestated I would be to lose you, two nights ago.

Ugh. You know what sucks? We were best friends for 9 years and now, we aren't. I don't even know how it happened. It kills me. It really, really kills me. We never talk though. Ever. You don't try. I feel like I'm the last thing on your mind.

You only focus on your girlfriend. You changed for her. You shouldn't have. She changed you into somebody that some people find rude,and they don't want to talk to you. I don't know why you changed into who you are. I really don't. No one likes it, but her.

This kills me, it really does. I'm not in the mood to talk to anyone. At all. Honestly.

Things I need to do over break:

1. Memorise Act 1 of Into the Woods
2. Put in some job applications.
3. Get my license?!
4. Finish some projects for school.
5. Pack for tour.
6. Go on tour.
7. Hang out with my best friends.
8. Mend friendships.
9. Discover some new music.
10. Start working out again.
11. Find new hairstyles.

&Mooooooore.

I really miss this girl. She got me through SO much and it is hard her not being here.
I was sort of just thinking about her. I read a birthday card she gave me, and some Christmas cards. I felt lame. But I just miss having her to hang out with all of the time. I remember last spring break I spent pretty much every moment with her. I never really got tired of hanging out with her. We would never really do the same thing. We would have picnics, go to movies, go to dinner, go to the beach, take a lot of pictures. It was awesome. I felt like all of my issues were gone. I need that. I wish she was coming back for this break. :( But its okay <3

Sorry. Had to get that out.

Gah

BE POSITIVE.
BE POSITIVE.
BE POSITIVE.
BE POSITIVE.

Moving on.

I had a long talk with Jessica Andrukat today. I love that girl. I feel like I can just ramble abot my life & she wont judge me. I love it. But anyways.. haha.

I talking to her about my boy issues.(Refer to the blog titled "Wow =/") We were talking about all of it. It cleared things in my head. I just need to think about God, focus on him before I focus on the boy.

I don't deserve what he was doing. I deserve soo much better. No matter how sad that makes me. No matter how much I wish things would have worked. I still need to talk to him though. Badly. I can't let all of this be on my chest. You know? I have to distance myself so I can get rid of these emotions.

I'm on my way to being happy. I will get there. I know I will. Through God.

My, oh my. I love me some Jesus.

<3

Realization

Alright. What a weekend. I'm starting to realize some things. I have to focus on God first.
I've been letting things control my emotions that shouldn't. I have problems, but who doesn't? I mean, I've been sitting and complaining. I NEED TO ACT.

Gah, it makes me mad at myself little bit. I really do have a lot to be thankful for. I need to learn how to appreciate it. Like, now.

I love youth group. Tonight during pre-service prayer I was thinking. &Then someone got up on stage and said something and it hit me. I need to have open hands for God. Open heart for God. I need to be clay in his hands. I need to give my all to God. I need to surround myself with people who will help me do that.

I realize I can be annoying sometimes. I realize sometimes I care too much. But, if you don't like that... I'm sorry. I'm not going to stop caring about people. You know? Last night was a long night. This whole weekend was a slap in the face.

But it was a good one.

Burden.

This is making me nauseous.
I should have seen it coming though.
I'm ridiculous.

Wow =/

^That song^

Ugh. Wow, I don't know. I feel so ridiculous. I thought you were worth my time. I hate that you weren't. I lost too many tears over you. Way too many. Like, I can't even think straight right now. Last night, completely closed the deal. It broke me more than it should have. It happens with you all the time. I am always making the effort. But I can't anymore. I'm out of energy. I can't look at you without feeling heavy. I really can't. Which makes me feel worse.

"I'm falling to pieces"

I just don't know anymore...

I have a problem. It is my own problem. Actually, my problem is that I have problems. &I can only talk to one person about those problems. There used to be other people but now I annoy them, and we are growing apart. It makes me feel sort of empty. Really empty. It is so ridiculous.

Is it possible to care about someone too much? Obviously. I was once able to just go to him, tell him everything that was on my mind, and it would be fine. I wouldn't feel like I was bugging him or like I was an inconvenience. Or like our friendship wasn't important. I always feel like just talking to him is a drag now. It breaks my heart, a lot. I don't know. It is pitiful. I talked to him.. it fixed it for one night. But I still couldn't vent, which is what I needed. Oh well. I just feel so worthless.

I'm just been so stressed lately. Testing, rehearsal, homework, family, friends... etc. I don't know. I am probably overreacting but I am losing sleep over it. I've shown tears because of it. I've lost friends from holding back. I don't know. I'm just ridiculous. Sooooo ridiculous. I wish I could be who I want to be.

I'm pretty sure I've been crying at least 5 times a week, minimum. I hate it. I don't cry. I hate being week. I hate how I can't breath when I cry. I hate when people see me cry. I don't know. I hate myself when I cry. It is "his" fault. A different he than before. Gah. Sorry this is a mess.

I love everyone. I'm just so easily angered. I feel bad. I feel like because I'm hurt, I'm hurting others. It kills me. But even when I try to change it.. I can't. I am always on edge and I hate that feeling. I've been told to pray. Trust me, I have.

Hmm. Oh well. I'll keep on going I suppose.

Self Image?

My biggest issue.

I have so much I hate about myself. It is sad. I always help others with how they see themself. Thing is, I still don't see anything beautiful about myself. At all. Ever. I only focus on my image.

My weight.
Me face.
My hair.

Pretty much everything else. I hate it. So much. I plan on changing it all. I haven't figured out how yet though.

I don't want to see myself and think I am disgusting anymore. I will be so much happier when I am pretty. I know it.

Definintly.