Man. It seems like I'm always messing things up with people. All the time. It isn't ever just one person at a time. Nope, I like to be abandoned by people in groups. What do I do to get abandoned? Who knows. I sorta wish I did. This who year everyone has just been leaving me. I want to know why. I really do. I hate that I've lost friends and can't control it. I hate that I am on the verge of losing friends right now and don't know how to stop it.
I also hate SOO much that when I lose someone, YOU gain them. You're pretty much better at everything than me. I'm constantly reminded of it. It is making me stray from you. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. Not like I wanna lose you. I just hate that when I am around you I feel like I am less of a person. I really am. You're so good at everything.
Music.
Helping people.
Anything with christianity.
Prettier.
Everyone loves you.
You're even taking my friends.
Don't get me wrong, I'm glad you're fitting in and making friends or whatever. Beconing comfortable with yourself. But why do I have to suck soo much compared to you? It drives me crazy. Why are you so amazing and why am I so useless. You're good at everything I want to be good at. You have everyone I want to have. I saw you were talking to someone I recently lost, someone really important to me, and I starting crying. Not regular crying but bawling. I was just relising how much I suck compared to you.
Hmm.
Gah, lately I have been so uninspired. I love to write, most of you know that. I have nothing to write about. I just can't get anything out. When I write something I just throw it away. It is a disaster.
I'm so stressed. My days go like this:
Zero period, school, rehearsal, homework, sleep, repeat.
Cool. I still need a job. I need my stupid license. I need to make it so I have support through all this. I need to figure myself out. I need to be happy. REAL happy. Just for once in my entire life. I wish there was some magical potion I could drink or something.
I'm pretty much miserable.
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Girl, you can call me anytime. Let's get coffee. Jesus' view of you is the only one that counts, even more than our own view of ourselves. You have to find satisfaction in Him before you can find satisfaction in anything else...or anyone else. Everything but our God will fail us. Even me. I love you and I'm praying for always.
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