Where do I go?

So I was sitting in my room playing random worship songs. I got to thinking...

I miss doing worship. I like being a leader. I started thinking about life. Everything I have been through, I could help so many people...

How do I do that though?

I guess I just pray about it but I haven't had any opportunities. I feel like I would be a really good leader, you know? Like, I could help so many people. Everything I did in my past, everything I have experienced, all of my knowledge could really affect some people. I want to show people who Jesus is. How?! I don't just mean as a teen. I mean I really want to lead people. I wish I knew how. I mean, these thoughts wouldn't come to me for no reason right? Hmm.

Where do I go next?

Laura Nagel.

That girl. She is so inspiring. She is a huge part of my faith. She helped me become this strong. I don't even know how to put my love and gratefullness for her in words. She is one of my best friends. I can trust her with anything. It is so weird. I usually can't trust anyone. She is awesome. Justsayin.

Unwelcomed feelings.

I went to my old youth group tonight because I was asked to help lead worship, they were short handed. I agreed. Now, let me tell you this:
This youth group used to be huge, bigger than LYC. I was a leader, dedicated, a worship leader, I loved it. My youth pastor was amazing. He ended up having to leave though, which was unfortunate.

Anyways, I went tonight. It was heartbreaking. When I walked into that room I felt like the Spirit was just being sucked out of me. I couldn't stand it. I just stayed quiet. Leading worship I couldn't get myself to get into it at all. I felt like the wrong 'presence' was in that room with the youth group. Like a vacuum was trying to suck my faith out of me.

Me not getting into worship is a big deal. Worship is my favorite thing to do. Trust me on that. I couldn't think of anything but negative thoughts. I just kept thinking how I wasn't worth it, how I was stupid, how bad it sounded. Things like that. Things that are so irrelevant to what was happening. I know that none of those things matter to God. I know the point of worship isn't to sound good. So why was I thinking all this?

During the small group no one was focused. They were talking, yelling, laughing. NOT giving their full attention to God. So wrong. I kept thinking, "Why do they even come to youth group if this is what they come for?" Youth group is a place to celebrate God. That is what that youth group was once about. Now I see it is just breaks my heart.

I tried for so long to mend that youth group and make it strong again. I really did. I have a huge heart for that church. But now I walk on that property I feel heavy, depressed, and like I shouldn't be there. Like there isn't a point. I hate that. I love LYC, I'm so glad I have that now. I look forward to it every week. I wouldn't choose any church over it even if my old church was back to normal. But, If you know me... you know have a big heart. I just with they would all see the real picture. I just know I can't go there anymore. It pains me.

Wow.

I feel pretty terrible right now. I don't belong anywhere anymore. I swear. Ugh.
I just want to be 18 so I can leave. When I leave I'm not coming back. I'll be gone for good.
I wish there was a way for me to leave now. RIGHT now. I am not happy here.
I always fake a smile and I am soo done with that. It is so unbelievable how much worse it makes me feel.

I'll be strong for everyone else.

Youth Group

Holy Cow. I've never felt more comfortable. This group of young people are so real. It is almost hard to comprehend. I love them so much. I love watching us all grow together in Christ. I love that I am growing in Christ.

I ddn't realize how awesome Snowed In was until tonight when I talked. Everything I have been holding onto was just lifted off my shoulders and I know God forgives me. I know that no matter how much I mess up, God is there telling me I can do it. No matter what. I love that people at Youth Group wont jusdge me for my past. Having a relationship with God is just the most beautiful thing.

Alright- I'm going to make a promise right now. You guys have to hold me to it. I will stay positive, and let God's light shine through me everyday. I will let him work through me. My life will revolve around him. HOLD ME TO IT GUYS. Don't let me break this promise, it isn't one I can break.

I am sooo greatful for all of you <3

MAN, I'm gonna cry ! Haha !

Blogging.

I'm not great at it.
But I will make this as entertaining as possible.

This will get deep, that is the reason I made this. <3