Why does everything turn out so bad after it was so good?

Man. It seems like I'm always messing things up with people. All the time. It isn't ever just one person at a time. Nope, I like to be abandoned by people in groups. What do I do to get abandoned? Who knows. I sorta wish I did. This who year everyone has just been leaving me. I want to know why. I really do. I hate that I've lost friends and can't control it. I hate that I am on the verge of losing friends right now and don't know how to stop it.

I also hate SOO much that when I lose someone, YOU gain them. You're pretty much better at everything than me. I'm constantly reminded of it. It is making me stray from you. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. Not like I wanna lose you. I just hate that when I am around you I feel like I am less of a person. I really am. You're so good at everything.

Music.
Helping people.
Anything with christianity.
Prettier.
Everyone loves you.
You're even taking my friends.

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad you're fitting in and making friends or whatever. Beconing comfortable with yourself. But why do I have to suck soo much compared to you? It drives me crazy. Why are you so amazing and why am I so useless. You're good at everything I want to be good at. You have everyone I want to have. I saw you were talking to someone I recently lost, someone really important to me, and I starting crying. Not regular crying but bawling. I was just relising how much I suck compared to you.

Hmm.

Gah, lately I have been so uninspired. I love to write, most of you know that. I have nothing to write about. I just can't get anything out. When I write something I just throw it away. It is a disaster.

I'm so stressed. My days go like this:

Zero period, school, rehearsal, homework, sleep, repeat.

Cool. I still need a job. I need my stupid license. I need to make it so I have support through all this. I need to figure myself out. I need to be happy. REAL happy. Just for once in my entire life. I wish there was some magical potion I could drink or something.

I'm pretty much miserable.

Goal.

I want people to look at me and sense a difference.
I want that difference to be God.

Alright.

I refuse to let things get bad again.

This isn't life.

I hate that I complain so much on this thing. But ugh.
Okay.
I'm not happy at all. I'm really not. I pretend I am, that is about it. It sucks because all my friends are complaining to me and inside I'm just screaming and wanting to cry. But I don't like talking to some people about certain things. I really don't. I feel like they just change the subject. Or they make it about them. Or all they do is tell me things I already know. Tell me to pray. Well. I already am, I don't need to hear it anymore. I feel like my life is falling apart, but I can't do anything about it. It kills me. I just want to end it all sometimes, but I know there are people who need me. Everybody is always telling me how they respect me because I can always stay positive or whatever. Sorry to let you down, but I'm not. I cry all the time. Like, everyday. I shouldn't let myself. I shouldn't show that I'm weak. But I just get torn down by my emotions, and by people. I'm so sick of it.

I come home and all that happens is, I get yelled at. For nothing. Its either that or we end up fighting eventually. Like, in the first half hour. My family is falling apart. I'm only a kid. I can't do anything, & I can't talk to anyone. No one understands. I get really sad because people talk about how close their family is and I can't say that. I can't think of a really good memory we have had recently. It doesn't feel like a family. I dread coming home everyday. I shouldn't feel like that. I shouldn't feel judged when I get home. I should be able to think I'm at "home". I shouldn't be afraid to go there. But, I am. I hate it. So much.

I miss having people I could talk to. People who would actually make me feel better. I love the friends I have now, but sometimes I miss when I could talk to some of my friends and they would just cheer me up. One specifically, where I could go to him and tell him whats wrong without feeling like a burden, or like I was going to annoy him. Like he didn't want to talk to me and he would just complain to other people about how annoying I was or whatever. I miss not feeling hated when I talked to you. I miss you knowing everything so I could just vent to you, and update you and I would feel better. I just miss having you there. I miss how close we were but now I lost you. I'm slowly losing everyone else too.

I don't want to have to feel like this anymore. I don't want to feel like my life is worthless. I want to be able to be truly happy. But I can only think of the negatives. I don't have many positives. I am ruining my life. But it is in a way I can't control. I just don't want to deal with any of this anymore. I want to leave. I want to move out of this house. This town, I want to forget the life I am having right now. I want better things for myself. I don't want to feel depressed and useless. I don't want to feel angry. I don't want to feel unwanted. I don't want this life.